Category: Let's talk
Hiya, i was just wondering if you'd ever tell someone you were offended by what they said, or just keep quiet in the corner and not say anything. I always tell people if i'm offended by a comment, and i tell people when i meet them whether i'm easily offended or not, i think it's only fair so they know where to draw the line in conversation. I'm not easily offended in any way and i wondered what others thought of this.
I usually say what I think, because I think it's important that they know it. I'm an honest person.
I do usually give my opinions on what other people say. Thos of you who know me, and in fact those of you who don't, probably already know that to be the case. I think that it is important to a degree otherwise the person will never know and will continue to cause offence. I do think there is a difference though between begin offensive and hurtful. i.e. if someone makes a comment that could be seen as being offensive, not only to me, but also to others who might not have the strength of character to come out and say they find the discussion offensive, then I will definitely say something. however, if someone says something to me that hurts my feelings specifically, more often than not, I won't actually say anything. after all, most people don't mean to be deliberately hurtful, and you can upset someone without even realizing you're doing it and with no such intention, and if I pointed out that someone had hurt my feelings, I'd be afraid that they would watch what they were saying in future for fear of upsetting me, and I would always want my friends to feel they could say anything to me. That said, I would want my friends to tell me if I'd hurt their feelings or upset them so I could put it right so I guess it's a bit of a double standard really.
Good point, Sugarbaby. Once someone offended a friend of mine and she was too shy to say that this hurt her, so I decided tot help her and I said that this was not okay. She was so grateful! I think it's not always a weakness of character when people don't say what they think, it's shyness sometimes.
I always say what I think, in fact, I need to learn to be a bit more suttle, but I expect people to be as up-front with me as I am with them. It used to annoy me that they weren't, but I'm tired of having to try and second guess people. As far as I'm concerned, if someone has something to say, they better say it, coz if they don't, I'm never gunna know.
I would tell them in a casual way the only thing that really offends me is continual and pointless swearing, other than that I'm usually easy going...
lol post two is not honest... ahem, well when I am offended I always tell the person what I think about their coments. Well I hve a friend or if you call that a friend, she makes bad coments infront of you and makes you look ridiculous, but she talks too much... but well today I was telling her off so well.... who knows, but if someone hurt my feelings then I wll tell them off because remaining quiet well is not a good thing to do since you will be more hurt and well are so shy that well you could not confront the problem. Even if its too hard for me I tell the person how do I feel like. I also like my friends to tell me if once I offended them or not so I know where or when to stop.
i agree with you lou. some people are just too shy and i know how they feel. but ever since i went to worcester college, i've grown in confidence and can now tell someone how i feel.
I used to be shy like that but now I don't bite my tongue and I don't have a problem with telling people they've offended me.
Hi Sheelob,
Well, this is kind of tough, because on the one hand, it can be an awkward strain being around people who you have to watch every little thing, but then on the other hand, some things are offensive to the point of blunt cruelty. I think, there are 2 kinds of offense, general offense, and personal offense. If it's a general thing, I don't say anything, and just wait for the feeling to pass, but if it's a personal thing, or personal attack, I will say something. Once in a room on accessible chat, this girl was in the room, and I didn't hear what she said, because for my own reasons, I had her on ignore. The man said, of course you're, um,... witchy with a b, you're a woman aren't you? As a woman, it was offensive, but it would've been just as offensive to almost any woman, so I kept silent, 1, because it wasn't my room, 2, because it was a general offense, and not a personal attack, so I just kept silent and put him on ignore.
Some people get offended when you're just expressing an honest feeling, and not being mean, but just telling it the way it is.
wonderwoman
sorry for continuing this in the next post, but I think if you go over the character limit, you get knocked off the server.
Anyhow, one of my moms friends who she use to know when she was a young girl called, and in the course of conversation, we were talking about being alone, and I said something like, I didn't think I'd be in touch with my moms, friends, if my mom went before I did. After we hung up, I forgot about it, and when she called again and wanted to speak to my mother, she sounded a bit haughty and snippy. After my mom got off the phone with her, she said the other woman said I really hurt her feelings When I asked how, my mom said, she can't remember what you said, but all she knows is you really hurt her feelings. I had to wrack my brain to figure out what it was that got her hurt. Plus I thought it was strange she couldn't remember what I said if it hurt her feelings. When you hurt my feelings, I remember it for years, even though you may have forgotten it in 5 minutes.
I don't think I was being mean when I said moms' friends and I probably wouldn't be keeping in touch if mom died before I did, that's just a feeling, the way it is. I have nothing in common with her friends, nor they with me, and a lot of the time, they ignore me, so there would just be no reason, but she took it really personal.
wonderwoman
I say what's on my mind and I like to know if someone's easily offended because as you all know by now, I do play and I get in extra playful moods now and then and people have to know when to take me serious or when not to. but if I know some one's easily offended I won't pick on them, not too much anyway *grin*
I say my mind, pretty much express what I feel, especially if I'm asked, I'm not good at coming up with the right and best, and graceful way to phrase things, but I don't deliberately go out of my way hurt people, or make them angry, just for the heck of it. I know what you mean n1umj, there's a difference between good natured picking with someone, and picking on someone, ie, having your own fun at someone else's expense. I think when people first start talking to each other online, they should get to know each other a bit better before they start clowning around. For instance, I started talking to this man on accessible chat, and we had a few nice conversations first, then he told me he was a terrible tease. He asked if he could try one on me, and I told him to go ahead, and he said, wonderwomans' teeth are like stars, they come out at night. One of the other women hadn't heard him ask if he could try one on me first, and she said, that's mean. I didn't take offense, because I had had several good conversations with him, and knew he was just joking. If he had started off with that kind of talk, I would've been very offended, and my first reaction would have been, what a crude jerk. But because he took time to talk to me first, I knew him to be a nice person to talk to, who just liked to joke around.
wonderwoman
Well I don't usually set out to deliberately offend people, unless I feel that they need to be offended of course! I'm blunt and honest and people sometimes think I'm harsh. I have mmy views on what I find offensive and that's not a lot of things, but I make sure I behave in a way which I don't find offensive. If someone tells me they are offended by the way I express myself verbley, then I decide how valid their offense is and if I believe they have a point. If I don't then it doesn't matter to me that they're offended.
I do think that some people do take offense too easily, and that some people let the slightest little comments get to them, and unfortunately it is just not possible to tip toe around people like that. I do also think however that some people deliberately try to provoke reactions - ww is such a tipicle example - you can't tell me that it surprises you when your apparent views on things provoke reactions from others. In fact it could be thought that you deliberately post such extreme views to provoke a reaction.
I realise that people will have things to say about the views I express just like I've got things to say about the views other people express.
Expressing views is not offensive though and, well, WW is entitled to have those views although I dont understand why and the reasoning behind those views is very bizarre to me, t say the lesat. So as long as discussions in general are about views and not personal attacks on people I see nothing wrong with that really.
Cheers
-B
Very little offends me, and whether I'd say something or not depends on the person and whether I thought it would be helpful to tell them. Some folks just don't care. Here's a thought, though. If I am offended by something, isn't it partially my own fault and should I not try and thicken my own skin instead of making people afraid to say anything around me lest I get all uptight? Too many people are too easily offended, and I think it's these folks who deserve a good offending once in a while. In the end, who really gives a damn if I'm offended. It's not fatal.
well labyrinth, I'd go out and try to buy some skin thickener, but I don't think they sell it in stores, and I'm afraid if I went in k mart or walmart and said, excuse me, do you have anything that would toughen and thicken the skin? I'm afraid they might throw me out for being crazy, lol,there, now was that offensive? hahaha.
wonderwoman
Well, it takes a lot to offend me. I'm not one of those people who can't sit through a dirty conversation, and I don't get offended by blind jokes or anything like that. I'm very opinionated, as I'm sure a lot of you can see from some of my posts. So I've kind of learned to accept that others usually won't agree with me in the stands that I take, so I've learned not to let things offend me. Unless they're said by one of my close friends, because their opinions do matter to me.
well, it depends on the kind of blind joke it is, whether it's offensive or not, I mean I don't mind a story joke, but I just don't like those remarks that make us seem stupid, like that counselor asking how I could tell she was behind me, and when I said I went by the direction of her voice, she asked me how i knew she wasn't a ventriloquist, now that was in my opinion, offensive, so I said, if you were, you'd be performing somewhere, and not here, because I don't think you're here to help people.
wonderwoman
that doesn't come under the term offensive though, that comes under the term patronising.
Um, Lou, how can you say post 2 was not honest? This was my post. You don't know me. This for example offended me a little now. I do not like people who don't even know me but want to build an opinion about me. I hate prejudices.
What really angers me is hypocrisy especially when some people complain about something which they themselves are guilty of! ..as if their ignorance would absolve them of the crime, such ignorance of a glaring double standard is incredible.
sadly though ines people will always form their own opinions, especially on a web site for instance where all you have is that person's words to go on. I think as well that in the situation where a lot of us have screen readers, the way what is being said by another person can come across wrong, and cause offense that way.
People decide for themselves what they find offensive though their decisions can be influenced sometimes. Therefore if they are offended it is their fault because they chose that what was said would be offensive or not. People choose how they react to things, therefore they are responsible for their reactions and their feelings about something.
so what you're actually saying ww is that nobody should take responsibility for the things they say. That basically, people can say whatever they want because if others choose to be offended by it it's their fault and not the fault of the person who said it. Well that goes somewhat against what you've said in previous posts about peoples' religious inclinations? after all, if you choose to not like the fact that someone preaches to you, it's your fault for choosing to not like it, not the fault of the person preaching.
Hi Inesle,
Well, I'm probably going to be verbally skinned alive, but I'm getting that anyway, whatever I say, but for a screen reader which typically has no expression, jaws has a way of making some people sound even meaner than they are. I've come to the conclusion that people are going to come to their own conclusions about me anyway, and the only way I can avoid that is by just sitting there and not saying anything, which, if I stay on a sight, is impossible for me. As for it being anyone's fault for how they feel, you can't dictate feelings. The feelings come, despite whatlogic says. I think as far as hurt feelings go, sometimes they're like the feelings you get after you start a heavy routine of excercise, or if you have to have physicaltheraphy. It hurts the muscles at first, but gradually, they get use to it, and even though you will never like the theraphy, or the excercise, it gets doable. I think those kinds of emotions are like physical muscles in away. When I was in cb radio years ago, people got to the point where they were verbally abusive, and i stayed off it for days, because the verbal abuse was really upsetting. Some very nice cbers told me not to let the jerks run me off, I had as much right there as anyone else did. In time, the feelings got better, at least to the point where I just pretended I didn't hear them, or laughed and pretended to take it as a joke, unless it was really r rated, then I just told them what I thought and turned the radio off till later. So, in short, I don't deliberately put myself in confrontations, that is, I don't go looking for them, but I don't go out of my way to avoid them either. But I understand how you feel Inez, I really do.
wonderwoman
i think you're right about screen readers because things can come out wrong on there.
Hi Sheelob, it's funny the impressions you automatically have when you first read people's posts on message boards, then hear their audio profile, or in my case, I have mistakenly just assumed someone was either a man or woman, just from the way they talked, and when I found out otherwise, I was totally shocked. For instance, when I first read Niblit 17's posts here, I just assumed she was a guy in the 20 something age range, so when I heard her audio profile, I was totally shocked, lol. It was wrong I know, and even though you'd think I wouldn't get impressions of how people's voices sound based on how they talk, but it's an automatic thing, and I hardly cease to be shocked when I do hear their voices.
wonderwoman
Well, about expressing views about when something is offensive, I really don't know. I guess it sort of depends on the person. If I don't know someone really well, I figure it's best to shut up. Then again, that's not a good idea because you're not going to get to know someone better if they don't say what they mean, right? Very interesting issue, I could debate with myself for minutes.
Hi weasel dance, you make a good point, I wouldn't have anything to do with people who were offensive for the heck of it, but also, I wouldn't want people passifying me, I mean, pretending to agree with me when they aren't even listening to me. But I think sometimes, people's humor is rather odd, and makes them sound mean or smart alecky, where as if you talk to them and have nice conversations with them first, then experienced their odd humor, they might not come off sounding like jerks. I think there is a big difference between expressing your honest feelings and just being offensive to be mean.
wonderwoman
Sugarbaby, we do choose what we get offended by, but that doesn't mean that their should be no limitations on what people can say. It isn't o.k to insult people because of their personal characteristics including race, genda, sexuality, disability etc. It isn't o.k to preach except in religious buildings. It is though o.k to use fowl language.
Yeah I agree with you about screen readers, but, this might sound like I'm dishonest now, but I never intentionally offended people I don't even know, people I haven't even talked to. The comment about my post on here (post 2) from Lou was rude because I never even spoke to him/her!!
Hi Inessle,
I know what you mean, and I don't judge every little thing about everyone, but I've come across some people in chat, where it only took being in a room with them, or whatever chat situation it was, to find out I didn't want to know them, but I know what you mean, some of us don't really know each other. Since being around on the net, I have come to the conclusion, that if other people don't care what impression I'm forming about them, why should I care what kind of impression they're forming about me?
wonderwoman
Well I agree with you, Wonderwoman. But there's still a difference between if people speak to me on here and don'T know me that well and if they don't even speak to me and then offend me. There should be at least a reason for offending someone.
You've just got to accept that people are going to like/dislike each other, say good/bad things about each other too. They do it about people they know and people they don't know. It's going to happen, so for fucks sake, get used to it!
Well I should be used to it as people around me offend me almost every day, but it still makes me sad though, something must be wrong with me that a lot of people want to offend me.
Yes and you've taken the first step in realising it, now you need to take the next steps which are confronting the issue and finding a viable solution whereby you're not so easily offended by the things that you were offended by before you realised that you were offendeed often evry day.
I always tell people if they offend me as well. SugarBaby, if someone hurts your feelings, maybe you could tell them how they could say whatever it is they said without hurting your feelings, or address why it was hurtful? Maybe they didn't mean what you thought they said.
I usually tell someone when somethign offends me. I'm pretty easy going and I really justh ate swearing or really dirty things that are said constantly and stuff. I'm just not a swearing, dirty minded person eheheh. But other than that I'm okay with most anything.
oh invariably people don't offend me, there are some things I don't particularly like, like excessive bad language, but I don't find it offensive, I just think there's no need for it.
Hi Caitlin,
I did something different, I decided to turn public quick notes on, and just put people on ignore the second they started that stuff. The firs night, I only had to put 2 people on ignore, last night, about 6 I think. My ignore list is rapidly growing, wonder how many names it will hold. If it had been personal attacks against me, I would have told them my thoughts before hitting the ignore link, then hit it, but as it was, as fast as they would say it, I'd jump on that ignore link. I was going so fast with it I entered on their profile accidently.
wonderwoman
Sometimes it can depend on if people are going out of their way to offend you or if you are reading sincere comments as being offensive. If people are just speaking their minds and it's offending you, you may want to try and examine why you are getting offended and work out how you can make it so you are not so bothered by what you hear.
i dont tell someone when they offend me, if i dont like what theyre talking about, i'll just walk away. i do however, in other situations, say what i think, cause im an honest person.
I try not to get offended, but if I do, I try to deal with it by talking to the person. But if I don't know them well, and I can't talk to them, it makes it worse.
Actually, people who won't listen to me or try to at least allow me freedom to think what i want are what offends me most.
Well Labyrinth, I don't have to examine why I am offended,I know exactly offends me, swearing, and the use of the f word offends me, vulgarity offends me. It may be the norm of the day today, but I was born and raised in a time where ladies were ladies, and gentle men were gentlemen, well not all of them were gentlemen, but they at least knew a lady when they met one, and the ladies and gentlemen, and the other kind more or less stayed away from each other.
wonderwoman